The Mad Hatter an autobiography
by Birowulf
Summary: The Mad Hatter writes down his thoughts. Includes an obsession with tea, hats, and all things Wonderland. Find out more about the maddest person we know.
1. Chapter 1

**The Mad Hatter- an autobiography**

If you are reading this, then I suppose you must be interested to know just what sort of things go on in my head. That's the whole point of an autobiography, you know. Nobody wants a history of your life, but if you have a weird brain, everybody will want to know what you think.

Well, I think quite simply, really.

Would you like a cup of tea?

No? I'll carry on then.

You see? If everybody thought like this, I tell you there'd be no wars or fighting. Of course, we might run out of tea. That's always a thought.

But you don't want any so we might just manage.

Did you know, if you inhale, sneeze, cough, and bend over all at the same time, your brain explodes? At least, that's what the March Hare told me.

I asked him how he knew.

Anyway, as you have probably guessed from my title, I am a hatter. That means most of my life revolves around hats, and THAT means this autobiography will be about them. Thirtea years as a hatter have given me a distinguished opinion on the matter of hats. Firstly, buy one that fits you. There's nothing worse than having a big brain and being clever, and then it turning out that your brain is much too big for a hat to fit over the top. Of course, if you've got a hat that small, you probably aren't that clever anyway.

The second thing is to buy a hat that you like. Why buy a hat that you don't like? You only have one life to make the most of you, and if that means buying a hat nobody else likes, then go ahead and do it. I've done it several times. Maybe a wide brimmed hat does look silly but it keeps you from getting wet when it rains. Which is always nice.

The third thing is to buy a hat from me, because I make the best ones and I need the money. I throw the coins in a pond for luck, you see.

Would you like a cup of tea? No? More for the rest of the now- peaceful world, then.


	2. Another Chapter

_The day after Yesterday, which for Yesterday would rightfully be Tomorrow…_

Hello again…

Today we will discuss the important topic of being mad. Now, I know I mentioned having an interesting brain. That may be derived from the fact that I am known as a Mad Hatter. However, I am a perfectly normal Hatter. Can't a person make a living without an old saying giving one a reputation? I used to be a perfectly normal, decent gentleman Hatter. Everything changed after that saying spread around. I'd say people thought of me differently. Apparently we Hatters, in the process of making our lovely Hatter Hats, inhale mercury fumes. Well, I was under the impression that Mercury was a planet, my good friend, and married to Venus.

Apparently not.  
Although Venus has a reputation for being a beautiful woman, I'm surprised she hasn't left Mercury yet, if he makes people mad. Though he doesn't. I'm normal…normal…perfectly normal…

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

I expect the answer Tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

_Today_

_Sometime in September_

_Possibly a weekday_

Have you found the answer to my riddle yet? If you have, you must have big brains. Mind you find a good-sized hat.

I'm sorry to say I don't quite know the answer myself. Everyone ridicules me for that, but I tell people it's a philosophical question. That's always a clever method, I think, because then you can't ever be right or wrong.

I used to use that all the time when I was a young Hatter and studying away at school. I always used to catch those difficult trick questions and answer with an equally tricky answer to understand.

The teachers never appreciated this wisdom on my part.

So I left school rather early. A terrible shame really, and a terrible loss to the world. Still, I followed my nose and my passion for making hats and I've ended up a successful hatter.

People ought to follow my example really.

Today's topic is about world leadership. An ambitious topic, of course, but my brains can handle it. Now, the Red Queen is long gone, and we of Wonderland have elected an especially Wonderful leader. I took my vote and I like to think that's what made the difference. We have elected the White Rabbit as ruler of all Wonderland.

It's a bit of an improvement I suppose.

He's a little paranoid and nervous, and twitchy as all rabbits would seem to be. But underneath all that, he is a very wise person. He came up with his own personal answer to my riddle.

"Mr. Hatter, that is a very good question. Why is a pocket watch like a waist jacket?"

And so we are really puzzling over each other's riddles and have quite forgotten that the other has not answered our own.

Oh.


	4. The Chapter after the last one

_I do believe it is the morning sometime. Ah well, afternoon tea is enjoyed every hour of the day. I am terribly sorry that I never have an exact date for you, but the most one can do is try their best, you know._

At least that is what I am told. I was always told an awful lot as a child, you know. It was all terribly hard to take in. My brain became full of confusing and pointless things. Manners have never been an issue, for one. Well, if I could remember what they were I could judge that, but I'm sure I'm better off without them. The date is another thing, of course. Such wasted brain space! Today is Today, that's what I say. Tomorrow is something else entirely. But Today is the only day you'll ever enjoy. Tomorrow's Today you'll enjoy, but Today is what you're enjoying right now, and…

I'm confusing myself, and isn't that just what I decided not to do?

There's something else I was always meant to remember. I think it was important.

Oh well. Cup of tea?

Today's topic is…brains. I know I mention them an awful lot in my writing, especially my own, but they _are _quite important you know. I honestly don't know WHAT I'd do without mine. Probably turn quite insane, I expect.

What would you do if you didn't have a brain? Would you make use of yourself? Physical labor perhaps? Not that labor is ever really of much use to anyone. Unless you enjoy slavery. I don't. The Red Queen never much cared whether she enslaved people or not. In FACT, she often DID. Oh, terrible days. Sometimes she slaved her slaves until they lost their minds.

Hum…what was I talking about? Oh well, I'm sure it wasn't dreadfully important. Oh yes!

Is slaved a word?

I don't know.

Do you?

I don't.

Oh you do?

No, you don't?

I don't.

Ah well.

Cup of tea?


	5. Yet another chapter! Hooray!

_Hooray, dates are lovely; lovely and nice, and life is good…  
Dates are delicious, strawberries are better…_

_But tea is the best._

Hello, my lovely readers. Oh, life is so lovely and worthwhile…and hot and steaming and in the shape of a cup of tea.

You may be asking, dear readers, why I happen to be in such a good mood this very afternoon. I'll tell you! I'll tell you!

I am having my afternoon tea. And of course writing at the same time. Oh, what a _wonderful _combination. If any of you readers out there are younglings of the naïve-est kind, then listen closely-oh please do. _All the joys of life are contained in a cup of tea. _Is tea not sustenance after a long rainy day? Is it not a comfort to hold on winter evenings? An ancient and lovable tradition of the easily pleased? The most INGENIOUS invention invented by an ingenious inventor of inventions? Oh, the happiness to be found in lying back, relaxing, and sipping that cup of delicious tea!

Tea is inspiring and life-changing too! Some people really get quite enthusiastic about it, you know.

Gives them a purpose in life.

Apart from hats.

Perhaps that's just me.

You know, my good friend the Doormouse has had his life transformed by tea. Now you might be saying, "Hang on, that's not right, it's _dormouse_ not _doormouse_." _Well_, do I have news for you. It so _happens_ to be _doormouse_. I think I would know. And of course, the Doormouse is not a name, but rather a title, like the Mad Hatter (normal Hatter, ahem). And like all titles, it was earned. The Doormouse is not some lazy slob lying around in teapots. He works hard opening doors at a hotel for all you people who end up here in Wonderland. (Getting lost isn't very clever you know.)

He mans- well, mouses- the front entrance doors at the hotel. Wears a smart uniform and all. Oh yes, the Doormouse is doing well. And this is ALL because of a cup of tea. It's how he got the job. Flattered the manager with a cup of tea. Very clever. Must get those brains from me.

Gosh, I hope mine are still intact. He didn't steal them, did he?

I'll be right back. That Doormouse and I have a score to settle.


	6. Chapter 6

_Today_

_Not teatime, sadly enough_

Greetings! If you read the date correctly, you will have noted that it is the summertime. You may also have noticed that I said it wasn't teatime.

Well, I was delirious and mad at the time, and I was wrong!

Tea, I do believe, can be enjoyed at every hour of the day during the summer. That's the custom, you know. Long-standing tradition! Well- from now on it is anyway.

Because of the delightfulness of this fact, we shall be discussing tea again today. Now I don't know about you, but I take tea always. Weather or temperature is NOT IMPORTANT! Understood? Tea warms you up and cools you down. It makes you happy, it makes you excited at the thought of it.

I personally take my tea very creamy and milky. I add seven sugars, one for every day of the week, to every cup of tea. That's a lot of sugar perhaps, but when you ingest a lot of sugar at a time for a very long time, I believe you get used to it and rarely ever get overly excited at all. Take me for example. Or my good friend the Hare. Now, the Doormouse hardly takes any sugar. One might call him sensible, but you see, the Doormouse is a loveable fool for many reasons, none of which we will go into now.

Well then, tea! Just like with the perfect hat, the cup of tea is something to be accentuated with the perfect accessories. Unlike many people believe, I most certainly do NOT smash my cups or teapots, although it is true I have a collection to be proud of. Now WHY would I want to smash my lovely china?  
China, of course, is Chinese, just like you get hats from Hatters and so on. Now I don't happen to go to China very often. Wonderland has always been the place for me. In fact I have never been to China. However, my English friend Alice has managed to get hold of some ENGLISH china for me. English isn't the same as Chinese, as you quite understand. But to poor dear confused Alice, the china is in many ways the same. Still, I pretended to be grateful and I added the pretty blue teapot and cups to my collection. They're all right I suppose, but honestly! English china!

What else? Let's see. How do you like to set your tea table? It's true that I have a very long table, because I'm very fond of good company. There are twelve places in all, and each place has a velvet armchair, a teapot, and three cups. I don't hand out individual sugar bowls or milk jugs, however. Those may easily be accessed from the center of the table. If one stands up and stretches slightly.

My tablecloth is white on formal occasions, but for every day tea, it is a rather pinkish color, like the end of the Doormouse's nose. He's very flattered, naturally. But when he sits on the table and shuts his eyes, his nose blends in as well and there's nothing to suggest he isn't just a pile of fluffy sugar lumps. By the way, the Doormouse and I have quite forgotten our dispute over my brains, as was mentioned last week. We have decided that, as the Doormouse is a little short of brains, we are going to share mine. It's only fair.

But I'm sure I'll have plenty left over for me.


	7. A Chapter

_It's Today again, would you believe it?  
_

Good morning. And a foul morning it is. Rain streaking down like there's no tomorrow. Even though there is. I s'pose that makes rain a little stupid.

Anyway, today we will discuss the delights of company. I always like to have people over for tea. My compatriots are both loveable and entertaining. They are quite often entertaining even when they are trying to be solemn. It sparks hilarity in me. The March Hare! Solemn!

The March Hare, naturally, is a very funny person. Being a hare, he is strictly vegetarian, which he suddenly announced the other day over an energetic game of bridge. (The way we play bridge, as you might expect, has nothing to do with cards and everything to do with bridges.) We stopped. We stared.

"Goodness," said Alice, looking astonished as her small brain tried to work it out.

"I'll eat my hat," I said.

"But," said the Doormouse, lowering his voice to a hushed whisper, "doesn't that involve you having to follow…rules?"  
"Indeed," said the Hare impressively, puffing out his chest.

We exchanged shocked glances. The Hare? Following rules? I mean, we knew it wasn't his best month, being July and not March, but he didn't have to go out of his way to be mad. We knew that already. Oh, what had the Hare done to himself? We said no more about the matter, but we are still very grieved.

The Doormouse I have already told you about, and there isn't a great deal of exciting things about him anyway. Alice, I suppose, is a very interesting girl. Simple minded, perhaps. Would a clever person fall down a hole and get lost? Alice did not have such a role in the turn of events leading up to Wonderland's civil war, as was alleged. We, the people of Wonderland, decided to revolt against the vile Queen. Successful we were, too- though I had my doubts of us ever replacing her. A King of Wonderland would not do, we decided. We've rather had enough of monarchy. No, we needed someone entirely different. And you can't get more difference than that between a Red Queen and a White Rabbit.

It was Alice who came up with the idea. That's really her whole story. No one really questioned her judgment, of course, even though she was a perfect stranger at the time. The thing was, nobody really had any other ideas other than the Dodo for President. And so when someone came up with a perfectly good and different solution, most of us agreed in a relieved sort of way. The Dodo was most disappointed, as one might expect, but he's been round for tea recently and he seems to be recovered. Alice was hailed as Ideas Person of the land, and she thanked us most kindly and asked us where the exit was. Since then, Alice and I have been firm friends. I advise her in most matters, and she advises me in most matters I don't understand. But that's what friends are for.

Any others I know are mostly acquaintances, rather than people one might share a game of bridge with. A formal cup of tea on a white tablecloth is friendly enough.

Tea is one of the MOST sociable things to drink, don't you know.


	8. Would You Believe It? Another Chapter!

_Today again. Why must this cursed day exist? And yet, every Tomorrow becomes Today again. At least Yesterday is behind me._

Greetings all. I have not written for quite a time, it's true. My Todays have been filled with summer doings, such as croquet, taking tea on the lawn, and enjoying the company of my closest friends. Only the most elegant summers are spent playing croquet. I suppose you're going to tell me you don't know how to play. Well that is very easily cured; I myself will tell you the basic skills required for the game. I happen to be a master of the game myself, and only that of Alice's equals my brilliance. (And she is a master of Bridge, not croquet.) You will need a strong voice, a fiery will and determination (never underestimate the challenges involved) and a lot of patience. I, of course, have plenty.

Well, do you understand yet?

No? Well, I am moving on nevertheless. This game involves a stick thing. (I'm sorry to say I never quite learned the vocabulary-but sports are all about the sport!) And by the way all that nonsense about using flamingos or other strange birds as sticks is false. However, the part about the hedgehogs as balls is quite true. Not cruelty, as one might infer from the facts, but paid work. The hedgehog is a lovely, amiable creature; always volunteering to help out whenever there's a game going on. The wages are quite high; as hedgehogs rarely emerge from their secret, secure worlds amongst the roots and pink truffles of Wonderland.

Contrary to popular belief, we players of the noble game do not hunt about for hedgehogs when we need them; but invite them politely and respectfully, and if they refuse, why there's always another sporting fellow about. Our game schedule fits around the hedgehogs' own private or professional lives, as the case may be. Everyone gets on splendidly, but that's enough of that.

I have a rather friendly chummy hedgehog called Rufus, and he never misses a game. We've scored some splendid holes, he and I.

And the way to play is this.

Sharpen your stick.

Ready your hedgehog.

Using the blunt end of the stick, take a flying swing at him, and score bonus points by uttering a long, drawn-out war cry.

Don't miss.

Give him a thump to wake up the fellow, and off he'll go, speeding across the green.

He'll go as fast as a hedgehog possibly can, which is never all that fast, considering the rather stout constitution that hedgehogs tend to have.

He'll run until he's worn out, and then he'll make a dive for the nearest scoring hole. Once he is in it, you must raise your sharp stick and charge at the hole. As fast as you can, you must write your name next to the hole to claim the points. The more letters you use, the more points you score.

As soon as you have finished this, you and your hedgehog run back to where you started, and wait your turn to begin again. The player who has the most letters after the Dodo has finished singing a long ballad wins. The prize is often a cup of tea.

Simple really.


	9. A Special Day

_Today, my friends and dear Readers, is a special day. _

Hello! Hello, and hello again! I am happy today, for today is the day you've all been waiting for. Today is my Unbirthday, and pleased about it I am too. Unlike many others who celebrate their Unbirthdays every day, I celebrate mine only on the day of my actual unbirth, therefore escalating the overall excitable atmosphere surrounding this day. I myself am an important personage, and I like to think my brains and brilliance, my charming and witty nature, my sweet good will, and excellent hat-making skills are to be celebrated.

That is why The Hatter's Unbirthday is a national holiday here in Wonderland, and each and every borogove and momerath sings to his heart's delight. The momerath sings a special song, his heart's lament. The borogove sings a song of pure nonsensical things, and finishes with a most beautiful dance. I myself am particularly fond of good music, and my evenings are most pleasurably spent listening to the Dodo pluck his chords on the wergildone, or Alice play an unusual instrument called a violin. The sound is of an acquired taste, I believe, as it sounds a little like the shrieking cries of the Beaglet, but taste, as we all know, is something I do possess.

The momeraths composed something new for me today. Usually it is the same old thing of heartache and forgotten love. The momeraths are passionate creatures. But today's was different. It went a little like this:

_Dear Hatter, our most faithful friend_

_Fortunate we are for this time_

_To sing of our great sorrow_

_For another year having passed us by._

_Loyal voices lifted up in song_

_Can only begin to say_

_How woeful we are to be witnessing_

_This terrible, TRAGIC day._

_For one can't believe that all these years_

_We've never even mentioned_

_How much we value your companionship_

_And your every good intention._

_Our dearest friend, we tell you now_

_Friendship you do not lack_

_For in us you'll find a blessing:_

_Great Hatter, forever make hats!_

I believe it was meant well and supposed to be flattering.

You really can't find better friends than those amongst Momerath Music Muses, the local choir. Yes, I must say that that song, and of course, my unbirthday feast of tea and small iced Eat Me cakes (local brand, you know), truly makes this day one to remember.

I wore my best hat.


	10. My Last Chapter

This, my lovely readers, is the last of my entries.

It's been a beautiful start, a glorious inkling of the rest of my life. I have smiled many times, cried a few-

Well not really. There hasn't been much to cry about.

But we must count that as a good thing, readers! So goodbye and best wishes.

Many mad memories for you and me

And may the rest of your lives

Be filled

With

TEA

Love the Mad Hatter


End file.
